Convert Update!!

Update on my conversion! 

These past two weeks have been such a journey and an amazing adventure! I have learned so much and grown so much spiritually and emotionally! 

I am officially a member of the church now and it is such a blessing!! 

The days leading up to my baptism were filled with such love, encouragement, and excitement. 

I learned through prayer, scriptures, and firesides the true love Heavenly Father has for me. 

The day of my baptism I felt excited and alive for the first time in FOREVER. As I was surrounded by wonderful friends, family, and the missionaries I felt at HOME spiritually. 

It was such a blessing to have the Neese family at my baptism and conformation and to have Jeff baptize me. This is truly  an experience I will never forget. 

As I went under the water it felt as if I could see myself being submerged watching the light fade as I went under, which wasn't possible because my eyes were closed. And although it seemed to happen so fast to the people watching to me it was in super slow motion! I felt as I saw the light fade that my past life and bad decisions was being laid to rest and dying, and as I came up out of the water the first breath I took was the first breath of fresh air I've had in what seems like forever. I felt new, forgiven, and PURE. It was the most amazing and spiritual experience I feel I have ever had. And that night I went to a bonfire at the beach with Some young adults and it was such a blessing as well. All the activities I have been apart of through this journey are such blessings for me to have lived so submerged in the world and now to enjoy clean fun is such an amazing thing! To be surrounded by friends that love me for ME and are proud of me is something I haven't had since elementary school. 

To be able to talk about mental, physical, and spiritual well being with people who genially care is amazing.  For the first time I feel my "safe place" that used to be alone in a dark room sleeping to suppress and hide from the things I was feeling is now my friends, the church, the families that have reached out and embraced me, the missionaries, and my family. I no longer feel the need to suppress and hide, after my conformation I feel the spirit all the time. And to me the spirit is almost a feeling of constant embrace, like a "mom hug" all the time, a Constant companion and love. 

I have gained so much confidence in myself and my testimony in these past couple weeks. I feel the works taking place in my heart. 

And this past Saturday I realized the purpose of life and my motivation. I have realized that I want nothing more than to one day sit at Heavenly fathers feet and see the love he has in his eyes for me. To finally 100% understand his love that surpasses all things. To be HOME. 

My heart has began to long for HOME, I have began to feel this endless thirst to know Heavenly Father, to truly know him.

I have come to the understanding that I want to be SEEN; truly seen. And I am so afraid because of the things that have taken place in my past to be seen, to be vulnerable, to trust... 

This morning I knelt in silence and was vulnerable with Heavenly Father, and although he knows all my weaknesses and fears it was such a powerful thing to sit and be seen... and I feel like I have never understood the love he has for me more than when I was sitting in prayer allowing myself to be 100% transparent and confess all my fears and mistakes and to accept the guidance and love he offers. 

I have recently learned forgiveness, and to be patient and forgive myself for I am human. 

"For we are glad, when we are weak and ye are strong: and this also we wish, even your perfection" 2 Corinthians 13:9 

I am weak and I will make mistakes, and I don't always know what choice to make or what direction to go but I do trust that Heavenly Father will guide me. I know that he will lead me to what's right. 

I lay down myself and my worldly decisions to follow Christ and go wherever I am led. 

And to me there is no greater comfort than to know that I am being led through faith down the right path. 

And I know that when I'm confused or struggling that

"Nevertheless, the Lord God showeth us our weakness that we may know that it is by his grace and his great condescensions unto the children of men that we have power to do these things." Jacob 4:7 

I trust that God will never let me fail if I follow his commandments and repent and stay faithful. 

As I move forward after my baptism I am noticing that the feelings that caused me to act out and drink and suppress are very evident now that I am no longer hiding from them, and it isn't easy. I struggle with the things that have happened to me in my past and everyday I give my worries to Heavenly Father and trust that if I cling to him I will feel the peace of the spirit and have the strength to endure and overcome and come out stronger than I ever imagined. 

As I deal with life and learn and grow I know that God is a merciful God and I am safe; I am Home. 

"But now I tell it unto you, and ye are blessed, not because of your iniquity, neither your hearts or unbelief; for verily some of you are guilty before me, but I will be merciful unto your weakness." D&C 38:14 

Temptations are real and trials are real but the love and tenderness of the Lord is eternally precious and the strength we need. 

Overall, in the last two weeks I have learned my purpose in life, I have learned to cling to my savior for comfort and love, and I have felt the true healing and love of the Holy Spirit. 

"Behold and hearken O ye elders of my church, saith the Lord your God even Jesus Christ your ADVOCATE who knoweth the weakness of man and how to succor them who are tempted." D&C 62:1 

I know that Christ is my savior and what a beautiful thing that he is our advocate and that he is so willing and ready to run and help us in our struggles. I know that this church is true and I know that Heavenly Father loves me more than I will EVER understand. And I know for a fact that my motivation is to get back to Heavenly Father and see the love he has for me in his eyes. And I am so grateful for the beautiful gospel. 

And these things I say in Jesus name. Amen.